The Herc with a mouth

Former and upcoming Weapon X writer Frank Tieri sat down with Newsarama to talk about his upcoming Hercules mini-series from Marvel, which will feature the art of ex-Ghost Rider artist Mark Texeira. Not surprisingly, Tieri was quick to spout off on what makes Hercules great:

Hercules is a character I’ve wanted a crack at since before I had even broken into the biz. And this is probably the best way to explain it:

Ok, so let me ask you a dumb question: it’s Friday night, you’ve got your choice of one super hero you can hang out with … who’s it gonna be? And to all you perverts out there who are about to say She-Hulk or Storm… give it up. You’ve got no shot, fanboy.

Um, the first thing that popped into my head when I read this was: Why does this matter?

Spider-Man? What—and listen to him cry in his beer all night about how he can’t pay for Aunt May’s hemorrhoid operation? Batman? Yeah, I guess if hanging out with underage boys in their bloomers all night is your thing, then whatever. And you know if you’re partying with Captain America, you’ve got a lovely evening of Ovaltine poppers and Jello shots made only with Jello at the local Bingo Parlor ahead of you.

Now, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Tieri would flip at the chance to write any and all of the characters he just ripped here. I'm still trying to decide if it's funny.

Nope… the guy you want is my man, Hercules. A typical night hanging with him? He’s about five days into a month-long bender, bombed off his ass in the champagne room, feeding strippers fistfuls of Olympian Ecstasy, after putting about a half dozen bouncers’ heads through various walls. Now there’s the guy you want to party with.

Well, now that we've cleared that up, what's the book about?

We pick up soon after the events of Avengers Disassembled—in fact, the first time we actually see Herc is at the funeral for the Avenger casualties from that storyline - so if you want to see Hawkeye and Ant Man, etc being laid to rest, this is the place. Herc’s worse than ever… constantly drunk, uncontrollable, downright embarrassing—in fact, it’s gotten to the point where even the Avengers want nothing to do with him. He’s essentially become a super hero has-been. And what happens to has-beens these days? They grasp at what’s become the last desperate cry for the washed up… the reality show.

Oh lord. Well, the preview art looks pretty nice. Kudos to Tex. I won't be picking it up, though.