DivaLea: Life, not LIFESTYLE

Warning, children, I watched Lewis Black on HBO last night, and there's a rant ahead. Get out while you can.

Here's what makes me so enraged that when I talk about it, the dog hides under the sideboard, the girl child goes to her room, and the husband looks at me like I need to go to Lost and Found because my Shit is there:

Cartoons aimed at tween girls (W.I.T.C.H., Totally Spies, The tween versions of the Powerpuff Girls) that define the characters soley in terms of their "fashion" or "style" is. WHY BABY JESUS WHY?


art by Lynne Naylor © Cartoon Network

The tweenie versions of the PPG are somehow the most egregious, probably because they had a life as characters before they were turned into conspicuously comsumptive idjits. The dingbats from Totally Spies, for example, started that way--colored-coded, heart-accessorized, boy- and shopping-obsessed. I can't stand the show, but it's not like it was ever better, or even good.
It's like someone out there is the "Tween girls want this" version of Stan Lee, but instead of their only idea being "I'll make (fill in shark-jumped celebrity here) a SUPAHERO!", their only idea is, "GIRLS LIKE CLOTHES! AND BOYS! AND...UM...CLOTHES!"

It's depressing to think that people who market this think young girls are this fucking shallow. I was looking at the Robert Tonner dolls site earlier. (Google it up, I'll be go to hell if I'll give it a live link.) Tonner dolls are utterly gorgeous--but oh dear god, I don't want a STORY with the doll. I don't want the doll's lifestyle. I don't give a shit if she's a coke fiend or a supermodel or a porn star or gives to charity or won another fucking award for design work or goes to prep school. Don't try to sell me dolly's fucking lifestyle. That's what this new PPG reminds me of--they can't just be kicking ass like they always did, it's got to be about clothes and world travel.
I want LIFE, not LIFESTYLE. We've now actually seen something I thought was impossible come true: it is actually possible to be two-dimensional AND one-dimensional at the same time.

Shame about the tweenie PPG, too, because Lynne Naylor's designs are adorable. How the characters are now being written is abominable. Buttercup gives fitness tips, instead of turning into a young Janeane Garafolo. Bubbles is a shallow twit who bitches about her cell phone reception in Michigan, instead of the animal rescue career she was headed for. Blossom flogs the new PPG clothes line in a manner so unsubtle P.T. Barnum would cringe. Fuck saving the world, where are her low-waisted pants?

I can't wait for the "Oh, I broke a nail!" Jade spin-off of Jackie Chan Adventures.